Alternate Pirates Reality: Pirates Players As Obscure Female Celebrities

After a 3-3 opening week, I feel like it's time to address one burning question that's been on fans' minds: If the Pittsburgh Pirates last names were women's first names, who would be the hottest?

Before you get too excited, I have to say that I was disappointed with the number of hot women on the roster in this alternate reality. I mean these four are quite attractive, but we could use an extra Teixeira and one less Doumit. Maybe a need the Pirates could fill at the trade deadline.

CHURCH
Can you imagine how unbelievably hot a woman named Church would be? This is the type of name no one could pull off unless they were supermodel hot. But not like a cocaine supermodel, more like the supermodel next door. My mind is so unbelievably blown by how hot this babe is. Notice how my writing style got worse because I'm around these fictional babes.
Obscure Celebrity Resemblance: Bianca Lawson


IWAMURA
As most of my readers are no doubt aware, there's a per se rule of hotness for any woman whose first name begins with a vowel, then ends with a different vowel.
Obscure Celebrity Resemblance: Anzai Hiroko


MILLEDGE
She probably went to high school with you and no one thought much of her. Then when you saw her at your five year reunion, you were blown away. You could have dated her when you were 16; you have no chance now. She is probably married and it wouldn't matter if she wasn't.
Obscure Celebrity Resemblance: Agnes Szavay




RAYNOR
Raynor would be so hot that I would be kind of afraid to talk to her even if I was actually married to her. Raynor is so beyond the scope of anyone that I can't imagine what her interests would even be. Certainly they would be things I've never heard of. A great Rule V pick.
Obscure Celebrity Resemblance: Taís Araújo