Ah, May, the month when people make generic poetic statements about the season, and none of my friends are getting married on 1960 Commemorative Beer Stein Night. The Pirates are embarking on a 10 game road trip but that's no reason not to get excited about the free stuff you can get in May.
Thursday, May 6 vs. Chicago - 7:05 p.m.T-Shirt Thursday
Wow, I can't say much good about this shirt. Except that it's a free T-shirt. Wouldn't you feature a black design on grey, not yellow on grey? Nevertheless, you won't get anything else free during the Cubs series, so this is the night to come if you're picking just one. The Cubs have degenerated into 2005 Devil Ray territory, where the manager is the star of the team. Come see an ace pitcher in the prime of his career pitch in relief!
Friday, May 7 vs. St. Louis - 7:05 p.m.Pirates Established in 1887 Cap
White is a great color of cap for people who choose their hat to match the rest of their outfit. Those people are called assholes. Not because of their hat choice, but they just happen to be assholes. This is a pretty good looking cap and one I'll be glad to have. Also this is a key divisional series, the scrappy band of misfits Pirates against the favored Cardinals. Win.
Saturday, May 8 vs. St. Louis - 7:05 p.m.
Fireworks / Polish Celebration
I am no longer listing Scratch'n Win Saturday as a promotion. I heard an unsubstantiated rumor that a lot of people get shot at Eat'n Park. I'm not yinzer enough to get shot to eat a terrible meal using the excuse of saving $2 off my order because I fake won a fake lottery. I'm not sure what the Polish Celebration entails, but I'll be missing this one to try and spawn, or at least start dating a mom, before...
Sunday, May 9 vs. St. Louis - 1:05 p.m.Kids & Moms Zach Duke Jersey Strap Bag
Is that one half of Zach Duke's back? No. It's a Zach Duke bag. After May 9, I can't imagine women will get into many trendy clubs without having this bag. I will set aside the question of why the hell anyone would want to go to a trendy club.
Wednesday, May 12 vs. Cincinnati - 12:35 p.m.
Alumni Autographs
This is all we get out of a three-game weekday series with the Reds, including a weekday day game no less? Unless Pie Traynor is signing Pirates thongs, I'm not impressed.
Thursday, May 20 vs. Milwaukee - 7:05 p.m.T-Shirt Thursday
Now here's a T-shirt I can get behind. Black matches everything. Was that racist? Anyway, I like the shirt. It's not in the top three of this year's Thursday T-shirts, but it is in the top four. If you could figure out what rank that in fact makes it, you could get into WVU.
Friday, May 21 vs. Atlanta - 7:05 p.m.Andrew McCutchen Photo Wrap
If I could frame a canvas print of just one scene in Pittsburgh, that scene would certainly include the city skyline, PNC Park, and Andrew McCutchen's ass.
Saturday, May 22 vs. Atlanta - 7:05 p.m.Garrett Jones Action Figurine
Considering that I already own the McFarlane action figures for all of KISS, I clearly need to get this. Garrett Jones would slide right into the band. They're touring without Ace and Peter so there have to be some random guys in there anyway.
Sunday, May 23 vs. Atlanta - 1:35 p.m.Kids Pierogy Wind-Up Racers
I once got drunk with a former Pirates pierogy racer. Nice girl. Good times. Hopefully at least a few kids can keep these until they're old enough to gamble on the races. Over/under on when your child breaks these: Third inning.
Monday, May 31 vs. Chicago - 1:35 p.m.Pirates Stars 'n Stripes Cap
Take yourself back to 1814. Imagine that you are at Fort McHenry, under heavy bombardment by the superior British army. For some reason, you are a poet, who is hiding at the fort writing war poems for no reaason. You think the American troops must have given up. But no! You look out your window, which is shaped exactly like the Pirates logo P. And you see a tiny P-shaped sliver of the flag, and you know that not only is America still holding down the fort, but that the Pirates will start playing baseball in 71 years, and that 113 years after that, this event will inspire a great patriotic giveaway.
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