June 1, 2010

June Home Giveaways Preview, Part One

PITTSBURGH, Pa. / June 1, 2010

The June home giveaways preview is going to be in two parts. This part is a rant with no useful information. The other part will be about the June home giveaways.

Weddings are a great thing. I like them, I really do. A wedding is one of two occasions when Heineken tastes good. It's also a great way for people to get married, which gives people a great excuse to have kids, which continues our species.

The other time Heineken is good is when Heineken is really, really cold. And I think we can all agree that eternal love is more romantic than an unusually cold refrigerator. So I'm going to say, bar none, a wedding is the best place to drink Heineken.

Also, I would like to say a few words about love. Love is a great thing. Loving someone gives you someone to go with to baseball and hockey games. Sometimes it's an Opening Day game or a pennant race game or just a great day for a game. But sometimes a girl loves you so much that you're going to like a goddamn Lake County Captains game and she's pretending to want to go. That is beautiful.

Drew Barrymore made a movie about love and baseball and those are two of my favorite things to see movies about.

So what all this means is that I am really in favor of weddings. I like being invited to them and if they're not in some absurd location like the bride's hometown where I don't live, I attend. It really makes me happy to see a friend of mine marry someone he really loves. My associate Kurt has a great bride and he's getting married in the same town I live in and he invited me, so by all normal standards I would be pretty excited about this wedding.

Kurt is getting married on motherfucking 1960 Commemorative Beer Stein night.

Unbelievable. I have checked the schedule and do you know what every other night of the year is? Not 1960 Commemorative Beer Stein Night.

Another point: It's not like there's some other commemorative beer stein night. Like, there's not a 1928 Commemorative Beer Stein the next day. There was one Pirates giveaway of a beer stein this year. There was one ever. I'm missing it.

I could buy one on Ebay. Straw man who's making a poor counterargument, appreciate the magnitude of what Kurt is depriving me of. I've lived in Pittsburgh for two years so I've gotten established to the point where I have PBR and know people who have purses. This would have, of course, given me the opportunity to smuggle PBR into the stadium, which would have been poured into a 1960 Commemorative Beer Stein. Then I would have drank it. It would have been awesome.

A wedding ring is a circle because a circle is a shape that never ends, like a couple's love, it circles around and around and is shiny. Well, a wedding ring has a hole in the middle of that circle, symbolizing the hole in my beer stein collection, because I don't have any beer steins and on June 19 I still won't have any.

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