A Pirates' season is sort of the opposite of a normal baseball season. Normally one would get moderately interested in Opening Day, then somewhat forget about baseball until interest picks up throughout summer culminating in a pennant race and some closure to the season, good or bad. The Pirates are the opposite, resilient and exciting in the first 12 games, coma inducing the rest of the year. The Pirates are now in July of a Pirates season which feels about like March. Here is the free stuff you can get at PNC Park.
Thursday, July 1 vs. Philadelphia - 7:05 p.m.T-Shirt Thursday VI
The Pirates are just 1-4 this year when giving away free T-shirts - making a strong for either (a) sizes between Small and Extra Large, or (b) synchronizing the T-shirt giveaway with Dollar Dog Night so patrons are more likely to fit the Extra Large shirt. This one looks like a classic design and, bonus points for conservatives who don't like the massive liberal media conspiracy, should feature a sweet Trib Total Media logo in the back.
Friday, July 2 vs. Philadelphia - 7:05 p.m.Pirates Ice Cream Bowl
I really feel like I am in the target audience for this one, since I have lived in Pittsburgh for two years now and haven't yet acquired a bowl. I'm still getting wet every time it rains after missing the May '09 Umbrella Night, but now I'll be able to eat all those glorious foods that don't come in PBR cans!
Sunday, July 4 vs. Philadelphia - 1:35 p.m.Kids Pirate Parrot Stars 'n Stripes Build-A-Bear
Wow, those are a lot of words modifying the word 'bear'. And one of them was 'parrot'! I really don't like to point out these minor errors in biology, but you simply can't build a bear out of any number of parrots. Might this explain the Pirates' lack of an ace starting pitcher?
Friday, July 16 vs. Houston - 7:05 p.m.Pirates Beach Towel
Bring this one to the Outer Banks and you're guaranteed to get into a conversation you didn't want to be in. You're from Monroeville? I'm from Carnegie! Honestly, this is the top giveaway this month.
Sunday, July 18 vs. Houston - 1:35 p.m.Kids Paddle Ball Set
A potentially fatal flaw in my plan to date someone with a kid to get these giveaways is the fact that it also has to be a combination of a kid who hates toys/mother who likes to date guys who take her kid's toys. It ain't about how fast I get there. It's the climb.
Thursday, July 22 vs. Milwaukee - 7:05 p.m.T-Shirt Thursday VII
The Pirates provided a really small picture of this one, but I can verify that it's a silhouetted pirate ship with a Pirate P on top of it. Presented by La Roche College, which needs all the publicity they can get after recently losing their third base sponsorship. I must have been to at least 60 midweek Pirates-Brewers games this year so it's nice to get a free shirt.
Friday, July 23 vs. San Diego - 7:05 p.m.PNC Park Canvas Photo Wrap
Who does not need a really small piece of PNC Park artwork? Also, when was PNC Park ever this full for a game which apparently featured zero players? This still may rank above my inherited painting of a ship that came with my apartment, depending on the eventual resolution to the question of whether it is impressionistic or water damaged.
Saturday, July 24 vs. San Diego - 7:05 p.m.Steve Miller Band Skyblast
This imagery is trite but will no doubt rings a bell with all my readers. Hearing the Steve Miller Band always evokes the 6:30 a.m. commute north to the makeup factory in Rocky Point, N.C., in a 1991 LeBaron convertible, which is stuck on a classic rock station, which employs no local talent and thus plays the same autoprogrammed loop every day, and is too new to have sold any commercials yet, meaning that every morning I got to hear "Rock'n Me" and I got to hear it really loud because the car had electrical problems so the door opening bing-bing-bing was binging 100% of the time and I had to keep the volume high to drown that out, and the makeup factory worked six days a week, and the station also played "Jet Airliner" during every afternoon commute, and I also drank a lot with a girl whose favorite song was "Swingtown" and that is a lot of Steve Miller Band.
Sunday, July 25 vs. San Diego - 1:35 p.m.Kids Pierogy Character Cup with Straw
There are few things more disgusting than the reusable plastic straw which is attached to a little kid's cup.
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