August 26, 2010

September Home Giveaways Preview

If you want your last chance to see the worst Pirates team since 1985, this is it. For some of you this might be the worst Pirates team of your lifetimes. If you're wondering why this introduction isn't funny, realize that this is the last Home Giveaways Preview of the 2010 season and nobody's last album is their best. I already wrote something funny on this site on Monday so quit bitching. Here's the free stuff you can get at PNC Park in September.

Friday, September 3
vs. Washington - 7:05 p.m.
Pirates Fleecie

Again, the Pirates web site provides no picture of what is certain to be a really photogenic giveaway. Based on these pictures of the Reds Fleecie, a Fleecie is a knock-off Snuggie which lefthanded pitchers look great in. The Snuggie has now been around long enough that it's OK for people in their 20s to like it ironically. The Pirates' record is bad enough that it's OK to like them ironically too. I'm going to unironically watch this game on TV.

Saturday, September 4
vs. Washington - 7:05 p.m.
Luke Bryan Skyblast

Considering that the only thing I know about Luke Bryan is that he claims repeatedly to have woken up in his chair after spending all his money to get drunk after seeing his ex-girlfriend, I was surprised to see that he looks really happy in every picture of him. Based on this one Google Image search I am guessing that country music artists aren't actually depressed. If you don't know who Luke Bryan is, ask someone from a town neither of us has ever heard of.

Sunday, September 5
vs. Washington - 1:35 p.m.
Kids Night Light

I would like to think that if I was a parent, I would be strict enough to force my kids to spend the first 135 games of the baseball season afraid of the dark and tripping when they get up to go to the bathroom. Then in Game 136 I would take them to get this night light, because baseball more than any other sport is something for parents to share with their children. It would be a valuable learning experience. Primarily, learning that dad is a dick.

Friday, September 17
vs. Arizona - 7:05 p.m.
Roberto Clemente Bronze Bust

This actually looks sort of nicely done. In a recent radio program the question of "Who was the greatest Pirate?" was raised. Clemente won and Ryan Doumit was not even in the discussion. I think that while Clemente was the most significant Pirate, Honus Wagner was the greatest. Wagner was the Ryan Doumit of his day only good at baseball and buttoning his uniform. Assuming buttons were invented. I hope this thing is actually made of bronze because I am a former Materials Handler I and metal is my favorite material.

Saturday, September 18
vs. Arizona - 7:05 p.m.

I never mention fireworks here because I don't care about them and I don't even stay for them if I'm at the game. But you know, I don't like chipped chopped ham either and Pittsburgh loves it. You're my audience, folks. I just can't trust anything modified by two adjectives that only differ by one letter. Apparently the Pirates put on a great fireworks show so enjoy it.

Sunday, September 19
vs. Arizona - 1:35 p.m.
Kids PNC Park Puzzle Poster

Such alliteration! If you're missing all these giveaways because you don't have a kid under 14, keep in mind it's still possible to have one by the 2011 season. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Thursday, September 23
vs. St. Louis - 12:35 p.m.
T-Shirt Thursday X

Among the many things I learned by attending Law of Professional Sports for one day so far is this: In order for the Pirates to legally sell a T-shirt, said shirt must be manufactured by an MLB licensed apparel company. But a shirt that is given away can be manufactured by any asshole.

During a recent episode of Plain Jane, the host claimed that the girl who was being made over should stop wearing all black. She said that Audrey Hepburn wore bright colors too and that a girl wearing red had a 50% higher chance of being asked out. On the other hand, there's a greater than 50% chance that is a bullshit claim made by the host of a six episode show in The CW. But I just report; you decide.

Friday, September 24
vs. Houston - 7:05 p.m.
Pirates Fleece Scarf & Glove Set

How great will you look wearing this to a Twins playoff game? Not as great as you will look if you also wear a Pirates Fleecie.

In the quest to stay organized I keep getting rid of more and more stuff. I basically buy nothing now but I get a lot of free stadium giveaways. So we're fast approaching the point where everything I own is either an empty can of PBR or a stadium giveaway.

Saturday, September 25
vs. Houston - 7:05 p.m.
O.A.R. Concert/Magnetic Schedule

I couldn't find a picture of the same chord sequence being played for two hours so here is a picture of the band. Sunday's game is a 1:35 start so it will be a tight fit to get O.A.R. to finish up by then. Maybe they can cancel batting practice because it sure didn't help much for these two teams this season.

Sunday, September 26
vs. Houston - 1:35 p.m.
Fan Appreciation Day/Magnetic Schedule

Here it is, home game 81 of the season. Possibly the 100th loss. A lot of stuff will be given away. To be more specific, "Great prizes will be given away after each half inning!" The Steelers are scheduled to lose to Tampa during this game so what we'll have is a crapfest game with nobody there - increasing your chance to win Great Prizes!


  1. Want to outline Pro Sports with me?

  2. The Sports Business Journal reported that Major League Baseball teams dramatically increased their use of in stadium giveaways in the 2010 season in the face of drastically reduced consumer spending and the worst economic conditions since the great depression.