Series Preview: Chicago Cubs

It's 42 degrees in Chicago, windy, and there's a 70 percent chance of showers this afternoon. This might not be the best day for checking out babes on the WGN telecast. Luckily, this is the day of rebirth, hope, an 0-0 record for all of us, and generally the reason we make a halfhearted attempt at living through each winter. For those of you who need things explained, it is Opening Day.Weird things can happen in Chicago. The last time I was in Chicago I hung out with a group that included a David Crosby-looking guy, an Elvis Costello-looking guy, and a hot chick. Either that or it was the real David Crosby, the real Elvis Costello, and Natalie Imbruglia got a pretty damn good backing band.

Pirates vs. Cubs
Friday 2:20, Saturday 1:05, Sunday 2:20
Chicago's lineup is actually hilarious. A good sign that you're losing the war is that your archrival has a 2-3-4-5 of Colby Rasmus, Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, and Lance Berkman - and in those same spots you are going with Starlin Castro, Marlon Byrd, Carlos Pena, and Aramis Ramirez. It's like every time Somalia attacks Ethiopia. Our Ronny Cedeno at least bats at the bottom of the lineup.

The Cubs' move to end a 103-year-old curse is to use Ryan Dempster (15-12, 3.85 in 2010) as their Opening Day starter. Apparently Kevin Correia (10-10, 5.40) was starting for some other team. Oh shit, that team is us. My pick is still the Pirates.

Tomorrow it's Paul Maholm (9-15, 5.10) for the good and Carlos Zambrano (11-6, 3.33) for the bad. Zambrano may be the only ace pitcher in history to lose his starting job, lose his relieving job, get suspended, still have the best season of any pitcher on his team, and still not get the Opening Day start the next year. My pick is the Pirates.

Sunday, Ross Ohlendorf (1-11, 4.07) takes the ball for Love as Hate counters with Matt Garza (15-10, 3.91). In the game of love, one win is a good season. Not only that, but only one guy has ever graduated from Princeton without being a total dick, it is Ross Ohlendorf, Ohlendorf is the clear winner here, and my pick is the Pirates.