June 4, 2010

June Home Giveaways Preview, Part Two

PITTSBURGH, Pa. / June 4, 2010

Apologies for not having part 2 of this preview up before the month started, but there were no giveaways for the Cubs series anyway. Unless you count the ability to wait through an over 3 hour rain delay before finding out the game is cancelled as a giveaway. Here are the other free things you can get this month.

Friday, June 4 vs. San Francisco - 7:05 p.m.
Pirates Batting Practice Cap

Have you ever gotten to a game early, only to sit through batting practice looking like a total dick because you're wearing an official game cap? That will never happen again if you get this hat. This giveaway is especially apt with all of our starters other than Ross Ohlendorf giving up over a hit per inning.

I got moderately screwed on the Earth Day giveaways because of the Waste Management sponsorship, which causes one to look like an authentic garbage man from behind when wearing the items. Of course I will make less out of law school than a garbage man and have more loans. Anyway, this cap is sponsored by West Penn Allegheny Health System which is one of my two favorite health systems in the Pittsburgh area. So even the sponsor logo should be sweet.

Saturday, June 5 vs. San Francisco - 7:05 p.m.
Collective Soul Skyblast

An underrated band to see in concert is any late 90s alternative band. Collective Soul is clearly a good one, just look at the way they pose for a picture wearing black, with one slight smile and everyone else looking suicidal. Collective Soul is no Third Eye Blind but they're great entertainment compared to going home after the game.

My personal record for "Most 40something women hitting on me" was set at a Blessid Union of Souls concert and that's something. Late 90s alternative bands are still young enough to be great, but as a genre are unpopular enough that they have to do things like play free postgame shows at PNC Park. Collective Soul has a lot of romantic songs so make sure you bring a lighter. And not a clear gas station lighter, get a goddamn Bic for this one. I'll be there.

Sunday, June 6 vs. San Francisco - 1:35 p.m.
Kids Andrew McCutchen Replica Alternate Jersey

If you count Andrew as a separate word from McCutchen, this jersey ties the modern record for most words modifying the word 'jersey' with five. How do you like my new grammatical technique of using single quotes when you're setting off a term as opposed to a quotation?

I have a confession to make: I'm just not prepared enough to be a father figure to start dating someone with kids in order to get these kids' giveaways. One of my closer associates once dated a woman with three kids. A little known fact about dating someone with three kids is that it sucks.

Monday, June 7 vs. Chicago - 12:35 p.m.
Ghost Game

Nothing tangible is being given away, but you're not a Republican are you? Seriously, this one has a chance to set the record for smallest crowd ever at PNC Park. The record was set during the G20 conference with attendance of a number I didn't bother to look up. But that game was regularly scheduled, and tickets were on sale for it for six months. This rainout makeup was scheduled a few days in advance and there's no chance anyone knows there's a game, let alone wants to take Monday off to go see it. There's a great chance for a Field of Dreams atmosphere where you and your four friends are sitting there watching major league baseball players play ball.

Thursday, June 17 vs. Chicago White Sox - 7:05 p.m.
T-Shirt Thursday

Why do I just type 'Chicago' for the Cubs but the full team name for the White Sox? Because I hate interleague play so only the Cubs get to be the real Chicago. I recently threw away a white Pirates giveaway T-shirt from last September because it already looked like crap after wearing it like three times. Yet my U2 Elevation Tour shirt from 2001 still looks awesome because it's black. This discussion was way too racist to publish, but I don't have enough content to hold anything back.

Friday, June 18 vs. Cleveland - 7:05 p.m.
Bill Mazeroski Canvas Photo Wrap

As I recently told an associate, the Indians series is a fair amount of fun. The Tribe brings some fans for a weekend series and all in all is a solid interleague rival. I'm not sure how the hell things work out that they come here for two years in a row, but I am all for it.

I have no idea what to do with a Bill Mazeroski photo wrap. Initially I thought these photo wraps were something that I am either too young or old to appreciate, like Ben-Gay or Aly and AJ. As it turns out, I just don't appreciate it because my taste in art is not Pirates-related enough, in that my ten favorite paintings are the only ten paintings everyone has heard of, and I just can't afford an original of 'The Scream' so I have empty walls. Anyway, I'll be getting this Photo Wrap and it will look nice in a closet.

Saturday, June 19 vs. Cleveland - 7:05 p.m.
1960 Commemorative Beer Stein

My feelings on this beer stein giveaway were expressed at length in Part One of this preview. I'm not getting this beer stein. You should.

Sunday, June 20 vs. Cleveland - 1:35 p.m.
Kids & Dads Cooler Bag

Ah, the Father's Day giveaway. I wonder how the Pirates' giveaways work out when you have to be a kid or a dad to get it. Also, I feel like you're basically a kid until you're a dad. I don't have any kids but I recently turned 29 and I could conceivably be a dad if I were either more or less responsible.

What would I say if I claimed to be a dad and they called my bullshit? "Most girls I know are exteremely irresponsible with taking their birth control." That would be a really great comeback. They would certainly give me the cooler bag to get rid of me. Alas, I have a wedding the night before and this game is way too early for me to attend.

No comments:

Post a Comment